SPOKEN THOUGHTS

2012-02-06T01:56:00.000-08:00

INTENSITY 6.8

I never thought that today would be different from the previous days of 2012.

"Precaution No. 1"

I was getting ready for lunch at the office (and eventually, my cherished noontime nap) when I heard one of our officemates screaming “earthquake”. The warning was punctuated by darkness (power lines were immediately shut down) that I instinctively groped for my bag and my cellphone, held hands with an officemate closest to me, and went out of the office. My dilemma was to either wait for the tremors to abate or to seek the nearest exit and stay in an open space in case the quake’s intensity increases enough to collapse the whole building. I can hear a rumbling sound and literally see parts of the building move, including the stairs that we need to pass through.

"Precaution No. 2"

I realized right there and then that when the possibility of death and serious injury is but a few seconds away, one achieves a calmness of spirit and a sense of acceptance of what could happen next. We bravely took the 4 flights of stairs that appears to be swaying to the earth’s beat, unmindful of the fact that it might collapse any minute. It was by far the longest 20 seconds of my life. Fortunately, there were no pushing and shoving because those who were there with us were focused on only one thing: praying. I have made it a point to memorize Psalm 23 and I found that the phrase “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me. Your staff and your rod, they comfort me” couldn’t be more meaningful than when I intoned it today. God became the center of our minds and hearts that it was no wonder we all came out of the building unharmed.

I immediately texted tats that I was okay but felt my knees wobble a bit. I also received a call from a high school friend (who is more like a sister the past 20 years) but I was too choked up to talk to her except to assure her that everything’s fine. God, in his loving way, heard what our hearts were hoping so that we all walked away from our harrowing experience badly-shaken, but grateful nevertheless that our worst fears did not happen.

Thirty minutes after the earthquake ceased-while I was on my way home, secure in the knowledge that today at least, won’t be my last day of existence- I simply took off my armor of facile strength and cried. I cried for the gift of insight to remain as calm as possible. I cried for the existence of friends who truly care. I cried for the realization that all the material things we possess mean nothing compared to the gift of life, and most of all I cried for yet, another validation that God loves us so much that he spared everyone from harm. I was shedding tears for the joy I felt within.

The quake’s intensity was recorded at 6.8, with forty two (42) aftershocks according to Phivolcs. This may not mean so much to some but to be in the middle of it without knowing when it’ll ever stop- or if there is a possibility that it will still get stronger- one becomes engulfed by a numbing fear that you can think of only two powerful allies: your instincts and most importantly, your faith in God.

"Precaution No. 3"

Traces of today’s trauma will surely haunt all of us who were there in the so-called “line of disaster”. I keep telling myself there is a perfect reward for all of us who plodded through this ordeal- and that is the thought that we are all very blessed to have come out of it unscathed. Filipinos that we are, we’ll definitely focus on the funny side of what we did like how one of us clung helplessly to our door post (and should our building collapse, just go down embracing a piece of wood). Or how one ignored possible aftershocks and risked life and limb to go back for her can of Coke. I too, could probably bring the office laptop with me or my textbooks and “save” them but all I picked were a plastic of rice and chicken liver. I was told a friend (in another office) jumped through several steps of stairs in her haste (probably in her high-heeled shoes and executive suit).

I’m just thankful that I could still write about this. That tomorrow, this will be nothing but a part of our history. Most of all, I’m thankful that God is so good.

2012-02-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

Alone

Vagrant whiplash of pain

Curse through my veins

As I soak in this frivolous pursuit of hoping

Slowly I walk through this

Chasm of expectations

Bleeding and broken

Beneath the myriad of questions

Lies the white flag

Raised gradually

With every infinitesimal

Sign of promises crushed

And sweet words turning sour

I am now intoxicated and drowned

In the onslaught of sorrow

No one cares enough to listen

To my heart speak…

3/15/2007

2012-01-16T03:22:00.000-08:00

TORN

I am one, split in two.

The other half lives,

while the other is dying for you.

The saint who will leave you be,

the sinner who can’t set free.

The lover of every day spent in your midst,

the enemy of lonely nights, all alone in the darkened mist.

The sunshine to a weary soul

But rains down to soak the path tread upon by these bare soles.

With a smile for all the world to see,

And desperate tears for a longing that should never be.

A heart that cries for just a chance,

but a mind that screams to walk away w/o a backward glance.

Yes, that is who I have become to you:

A woman torn because I simply adore you.

HAVEN

2011-11-29T05:14:00.000-08:00

As the evening steals the light of day,

And the moon’s silver streaks light the way

I shiver in eerie anticipation

For I feel it coming- this sense of desolation.

Then the wind whispers its magic spell,

Its kiss as cold as a church’s bell

Outside the stretch of darkness becomes blinding

Like the turmoil in my heart that’s unending.

And I cry out silently-

Is there no end to this melancholy?

As warm tears dance its slow descent

I’ve no choice but live through the moment.

I see your pain and I feel your need

That’s why within, also lies this lonely seed:

Of helplessness and true lament

And a lasting love that is unbent.

Am I the haven you’re looking for?

Or will I be hurting you some more?

In the state that you are in-

Believe that I just want to embrace all your pain.

Like what you did for me…

***unearthed***

Celebrating Mortality

2011-11-01T06:29:00.000-07:00

We view death as an unwelcome eventuality in our lives. Coming to terms with the loss can generally be a slow, painful process but we all get there. We heal and then we move on. I see this annual celebration of "honoring" our loved ones who have passed away as a means of accepting reality but at the same time- a ceaseless manifestation of hope that somehow, they are just around the corner- in another dimension.

I lost my paternal grandparents to illness but my time with them was spent evocatively that at a very young age- I understood and felt grief at losing them. I never really knew my maternal grandmother because she passed away even before nanay got married. My maternal grandfather on the other hand had his hands full with grandchildren and his favorite pastime (mahjong) that we never get to bond well together. Fortunately for me- the rest of my loved-ones are still with me- to love me, make me happy and yes- even annoy me and stress me out. (But I won’t change this circumstance – ever- if I had my way).

It just got me thinking - had we all manifested this devotion (to our dead loved-ones) at a time when they are still around to see and feel and express their appreciation for what we're doing, our life with them then would have been a little bit more meaningful. Can our acts today be our way of atoning for our unconscious neglect of the value and existence of these family members and friends when they were alive?

Today just made me realize that mortality is something we have to deal with. For once it strikes to take away a loved-one, it too, will take away a little bit of sunshine off your life, a little bit of a shoulder to lean on as a source of strength, a little piece of what makes you complete.

So as I celebrate the day for the departed souls, I also exalt with joy within, for the presence of those who are still with me at this very moment and fulfill the needs of my senses. There couldn’t be a better way of embracing mortality than resolving to live fully, love those around me and express that love for them to savor. After all, to conquer one's grief is to think that those whom we have lost have at least lived life to the fullest, have lived it well- and that you were a part of all that.

"One of the Boys"

2011-10-25T07:24:00.000-07:00

When I was young, I would recoil at the thought of hanging out with boys. My ignorance, you see, led me to believe that boys (somehow, the term’s more endearing than when I use “men”) and girls, can’t be together for purely platonic reasons. Thankfully though, my mind’s no longer chained to that belief that I can be totally myself around them now. As a matter of fact I realized that it’s such a blessing to have at least a couple of male BFsF (Boy-friends Forever) in my life. Here are some of the reasons why:

Boys do not “bitch” about their fellow boys.

Is it because they’re consumed by topics about women, right? Wrong! Open the conversation with last night’s basketball game and they’ll never notice that you (a girl) have shut your mouth up to listen to their endless drone of play-by-play accounts, coaching strategies, statistics and the tiniest detail about the aspects of the game. Why is this endearing to me? I do not only love the sport but I am amazed at the concept that we can go about a normal conversation without putting another person down.

They make my fantasy come true.

It’s not what you’d initially think of course. (This is, after all a relationship based on pure friendship alone). Don’t we girls love being treated like royalty? I love it when they hold doors and chairs for me. They carry my stuffs automatically, hold an umbrella for me and make sure I am comfortable and always smiling with their corny jokes (sometimes, the fact that it is corny can be amusing actually). Girls simply just want to be treated right. And for a guy to do that for me without feeling the need to prove something or to impress me - really makes me feel like a princess.

They are not consciously vain

Boys don’t constantly ask if they’ve got bits of food between their teeth or if their hair’s still okay. They don’t need face powders, blush on, lip gloss and an endless array of cosmetics to look good. Hence, no “retouches” are necessary. That makes me a little less self-conscious too about how I look at the end of the day because I am among friends who do not really care that my lips are pale and my hair is in disarray.

They are not insecure

Boys have this seeming subliminal projection that they are better than the person next to them. The concept “humility is a virtue” is temporarily converted into a fallacy but such repertoire of high praises about themselves are of course delivered with levity that you would not have the heart to take a crack at their inflated sense of self-worth. It just got me to thinking – if I love and appreciate myself and adopt the same innate attitude as theirs, I’d probably be saying hello to feelings of inadequacy less often.

5. They exhibit an unexpected sense of loyalty

Yep. These boys are 100% male. They have an instinctive appreciation of the heavenly creatures that are simply known as “girls”. But I realized it’s all part of their make up as boys. At the end of the day- they still wanted to end up with just one ultimate girl. They seem to have compartments within themselves that provides a distinction between “girls they can hang around and be friends with”, “girls who fulfill the qualities of their adolescent fantasies” and “girls they have decided to spend the rest of their lives with”. And their brains have identified the specific peculiarity in each of these categories. (of course there are exceptions to this observation but I am after all talking about my experience with my own B-FsF).

Being around boys give me a sense of security

You become off-limits to the nefarious conduct of others. After all, you do have an instant set of bodyguards around you. The only setback I guess is when you appear to be equally off-limits to potential “princes-in-waiting”.

They are not afraid to talk about topics deemed as unmentionables

Sometimes you’d go all red just by listening to them extol the pleasures derived from a passionate encounter with a loved-one. And yet you learn. You learn about what matters to them. You learn that it is not something to be grossed out about because it is part of the intricacies of being in a relationship with the opposite sex. I get answers to questions I was then ashamed to ask. Talking about it with boys seems like talking about a basketball game anyway.

Boys love to see you happy

Their optimism is contagious. Boys make things happen. They do not just wish you well. They think of ways to make you feel well and act on it. For instance, they don’t ask me “when are you going to find the man of your dreams?” They give me prospects. From the unsuspecting guy who simply comes to the office to submit a document (“he could be the one for you”)– to a teammate in their basketball team. They’d always remark that had they been friends with me when I was sixteen years old, I’d probably have 3 kids by now because they will coerce every crush I have to go out with me.

They are more open about their feelings

When boys look at you as a friend, you don’t need to pry open their storybooks. They will tell their tale without holding anything back. They will not even bother to paint a pretty picture because they tell things as they are. I suppose being “one of the boys” will give you that privilege.

You experience a satisfying intellectual intercourse with them

Try doing it with girls and you probably end up not talking to each other. But arguing with boys stimulates your reasoning. It’s actually a great mental exercise with all the good-natured ribbing about the differences between boys and girls. They will not concede a point but they have this way that makes you feel like you’ve won the debate. To them it’s not about competing as to who is smarter but it’s simply to bond with you and get to know your thoughts some more.

I think I am done holding on to my misconception about boys. They’re far from having halos in my estimate but they will do. It is in their imperfection that I think they were created to perfectly co-exist with girls.

One and Only

2011-10-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

You wake me up with the sun’s filtered rays,

for me to bask in the depths of your warm embrace.

You paint my sky blue-

and splash my world with colors in various hues.

With each step I take,

and every path I tread-

the wind blows your kisses

to wrap me with this all-consuming bliss!

When my heart whispers your name,

You are there-

reading my mind

filling my soul,

simply loving me.

And I wonder:

Who could ask for more?

When I have Someone who waits at heaven’s door?

Yes, no one else will ever do

You’re my one and only –

No one, but You.

“Inspired by the miracle of being unconditionally loved”

Me, Tatay and I

2011-06-18T02:10:00.000-07:00

I usually hate waking up early in the morning especially during Saturdays. My friends know that. I have this tendency to cling to the opportunity to daydream as if it’s the be-all and end-all of my Saturday existence. Today’s different though. I wanted Tats to work off those kinks in his body and the only way to get him to do it, is for me to wake up with him at 5 in the morning and drive him to boardwalk. Actually last week, I was driving him to the hospital due to constrictions in his chest and I hated the experience so much that I would rather take him someplace now, even if I’d get to do the honor at a time most inconvenient to me.

So after a week of being cooped up at home, doing nothing but ingesting 7 different pills every day (as per his cardiologist’s stern instructions), he was finally up and about.

One foot at a time

Funny but I was like a mother watching her kid take those tentative first steps. I was staying behind him actually because of my trepidation that his knees would buckle and that he would stumble. Three decades ago, he was doing the same thing for me while I was learning to walk. Our roles are now reversed. I even had my camera in hand to capture every nuance of his so-called “workout”.


"Dual Citizens" as he would call them: Filipino Citizens who are Senior Citizens

He did give me the consolation I needed. He walked the entire length of the boulevard (which according to him, is about 1.5 kilometers) – and back. And his heart was only “mildly” constricted. He even attempted a run, but only for about 3 seconds. He got the scolding he deserved of course… but I know the sacrifice of waking up even before the sun has risen has been worth it.

Taking a breather halfway

Tomorrow, the world would be celebrating father’s day. I am just thankful to God that I still have a father to celebrate the day with. The past couple of weeks have not been good for both us actually with him, living in constant discomfort and me living in constant fear and worry. But as the greatest father that He is – God has made me see the counterpoint to this scary experience.

Simply enjoying the view

It’s not about repaying all the things that my father did for me my whole life – he is not expecting any form of payment for them. It’s not about me, being just a daughter performing an obligation. It’s simply all about the value of unconditional love. And if God will give me a LONGER opportunity to be a daughter my father could rely on – I would gladly take on the role.

To health and wellness

After all, more than our blood relationship, we share one special trait: we never say die.

Happy 37th Father's Day Tatay!

Greatest Fear Revealed

2011-06-13T03:26:00.000-07:00

"Permanence"

I was told last Saturday that one of my cousins died. He was only about only 30 years old. Honestly, I saw no shadow of grief pass by when news of his death reached me. Two decades ago, we lived together in our grandfather’s house but we were kids then so that when I left to be reunited with my family, I felt I have already “lost” him. I have not heard from him since. With the unfortunate lack of communication and shared family milestones, I have been spared from the desolation of this loss. Or maybe not.

Suddenly I was ruminating on the concept of death in the family and losing a loved-one, and now am going through a private session with grief at what could happen in the future. Having braved through a series of personal disappointments, and believe me- they can quite break the spirit - I am certain that what I cannot take in is dealing with the pain brought about by death. The death of someone who is such a part of my existence as the air I breathe.

I know it is inevitable –but I can’t help but rebel against the concept of facing its agonizing consequences: the permanence of not being able to hear, see and touch the person for the rest of my own short life. Yes, I would probably miss even the annoying stuffs.

Last Sunday however, I was caught by the lyrics of one song sung in church, something about drawing one’s strength from God. I realized - what indeed is left for me, whose fears are backed up against the solid wall of reality, but to seek solace from praying and invoking His presence.

I mean here I am, so caught up in my pre-empted grief that I fail to see that even if there are glitches in my present world, the worst just zoomed past me and I remained standing, ready to resume a “normal” routine. God has provided me with family and friends to make the path of coping with the temporary setback smooth but all I have actually focused on were my unfounded fears and anxiety. (Silly me!)

In a requiem mass, my favorite priest mentioned that we are all here on borrowed time. I suppose I just have to invoke God to extend his generosity and let me enjoy what He lent me for a long time. A really really long time.

10% Asking, 90% Listening = Praying

The Worm

2011-05-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

A month ago, we discovered that the leaves of our Rosas de Baybayon were almost gone. We found the culprits soon enough. Two healthy, lovable worms.

They actually remind me of the stuffed toy given by one of my closest friends, Lyross and so I did not have the heart to get rid of them immediately - even if I knew that they can have the "power" to consume our plants in a week if we let them, the little monsters that they really are.

I took pictures of them hoping to produce a dramatic image for upload in my so-called "perfect timing" collection- but soon forgot about it until today.

Maybe it’s because of the emotional state I have been in the past months or so. It’s something that I wanted to ignore and take in stride- but it slithers itself into my thoughts these days that I feel I ought to write something about it.

These worms have probably gravitated towards the plants because of their beauty, sweetness and gentle existence. Their object is merely to feed on all that the plants represent. However, the latter have a role to play in the bigger picture of life that these worms need to be taken off them otherwise they will be ruined- for good.

I really don’t have to specify which of the two I can strongly relate to. All I know is that in my vulnerable and lonesome state right now- I find that the only way I can distract myself against utter desolation is by telling a bit of the story of these worms and our plants.

See how one of them clings to the plant as if it was its last chance at redemption (and happiness)?

Perhaps, all it’s gonna take is some divine intervention to make it see that the realities of life is totally different from a sense of the ideal. That in this world, there are those that are not meant to be together but are merely designated to be at the same place at one time to share that communion of basic interests. At the end of every day- they must drift apart to where they really should be.

I feel so sorry for the worm but that’s the way life goes...

CHAPTER 1

2011-04-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

This story will begin with a resolution: to give romance a chance!

It’s not as if I haven’t really paid attention to it. As a matter of fact, the canvass of who I am is painted with the concept of romance and wishful thinking of a happily-ever-after existence.

Everyone would probably say I have a very high standard in choosing a mate. In fact, one close friend has declared not to play cupid. Ever. For she is certain that I will turn my back on the prospective “applicant” she might send my way. If by having a “high standard” would imply that nobody seemed to be good enough for me- then it’s no surprise that even the so-called cupids are hesitant to volunteer their services. I still can’t quite fathom though how people can come up with such a conclusion when I consider myself a very shallow person- ergo- I am very easy to please.

Love, actually!

Here are among my “encounters” with my could-have-been-soul mates- had I given them the “chance”, instead of putting into high gear my “standards”:

Prospect No. 1 : “ I am serious when I fool in love” (yeah, people are great fools when in love!)

Prospect No. 2 : “How are you Vem?” (who is Vem?)

Prospect No. 3: Me: “Ano network mo? Smart?”

Him: “I was a computer programmer for 2 years with work…”

Me: (my fault! I was a bit vague)…

Prospect No. 4: “Nirito ka sa kin” (Anu?)

I KNOW a flawless grammar, an accurate spelling of words, good reading comprehension and correct pronunciation don’t necessarily make up the totality of an ideal mate but I am not expecting them to get the spelling of “bourgeois” right on the first try. Just my nickname and the word “fall”. Is that high enough for everyone to live up to?

Anyway- enough droning! Like I have said- I’ll keep an open mind. I am not desperate. Just mature enough (perhaps way beyond mature already) to know that to get to the end of the bridge- I have to put one foot forward for a start.

It’s funny really how one officemate blurted “Try having a boyfriend even for just one week! Just try!”

Let the long-awaited journey commence!!!

2011-01-04T05:34:00.000-08:00

SIMPLE PLEASURES

The morning's breezy spell

Has bid the warmth of summer farewell

The magical steps of a happy season has faded

The dream-like sensation of days past has ended

The singing of hearts afloat

Now leaves traces of melodies subdued

Hesitant footsteps now echo in reality's hall

Not wanting to be trapped in this masquerade ball

But there you were- in your purposeful stride

And there I was- with heart beating fast and arms open wide

With a prayer for joy and sanity's eclipse

To happily welcome your sweetest of kiss!

Go 2011!

DUET

2010-12-25T07:05:00.000-08:00

(a repost of favorite poems)

ME: (MY SOLE TREK)

Gradually falling into a precipice
Emptiness surrounds me in this deep abyss
Engulfed by rejection and hopelessness
But I’ll embrace this, till it’s reduced to nothingness

Sometimes I ask how, sometimes I ask why
What moves me to even give it a try
My wings are clipped, why would I want to fly?
When I would only end up seeing myself cry

And as I am drenched by loneliness in the midst of the rain
Realizing I have no choice but to absorb the pain
A solitary figure huddled in a bus stop waiting for a train
The only answer I find is that waiting would only be in vain

HIM: (INHALE MS. SOLE TREKKER)

Sometimes we are pierced with self-savagery
We let the pain sink in
We love to cry…

But have you counted on a wildride…
On those times you’ve tried?
It seems you wanted to believe…
On King James’ lies
Inhale…Miss Sole Trekker
There must be a mazel tov scent
In this wide abundance
In this world you have reached assent
The air to cherish…soon to be breathe in
An usher for the brighter days to come
As you walk grazingly with the warm breeze
With a flying feeling…under the grin of the Sun
Wipe your tears out…completely
For there will be more to flow…
This time…in grace
In love…in bliss (by: STL)

ME: (I WILL)

We all live through life’s “moments”
Every fleeting minute, no matter how evanescent
We need to embrace it, welcome it
Until a new dawn awakens our lonely spirit
But if we cry, that doesn’t mean we’ll never laugh
If we become vulnerable, can we not be tough?
If we fall, that doesn’t prove we can’t stand up
If we despair, does that follow we lose our will to be back on top?
After all, despite going through the savagery of pain
There is someone who reminds me of the beauty of the rain
One who thinks me a gem notwithstanding my being just “me”
And whose offer of friendship brings me joy and serenity
Yes, tears will keep flowing as you’ve said
Not only for hopes shattered and love unrequited
But that never giving up is what really matters
Because of what you inspire in me- something as meaningful and deep as a still water.
So don’t you worry cause I will eventually “inhale”
To savor the joy of life- to feel
The Love, the Bliss, the Grace
And emancipate myself from the sorrow I now face

2010-12-11T02:46:00.000-08:00


"Endings are very much the beginnings"

THANK YOU

I’ve been waiting in line, for the magic to come.

To find someone whom I could call mine.

I have been led astray

Once or twice by those who came along my way

I’ve taken the wrong directions,

And at the end of the day-desolation filled my reflections-

No, it must not be for me

True love the way I prayed it should be:

“Sweet lollipops & eternal sunshine

Music that should always rhyme

Endless grins & warm fuzzy feelings

A happy constitution with no room for grieving”

While hope clings assiduously like a vine

Reality sweetly intrudes just in time

Thumping to the beat of truth so sublime

It’s just not for me – “it” could never be mine

But there was such a time some years ago

When the magic could have been caused by you

Though you just didn’t know

And that was so real I could almost feel

When love was sincere and I wished then time would stand still

And now that you know

I would like to thank you

For accepting the girl I once was…

There couldn’t be a better ending

To what we have then-

Than where we are now:

Exchanging that special & unbreakable vow

Of taking good care of this friendship

To make up for what we have lost –

after the lapse of more than a decade.

2010-12-04T06:32:00.000-08:00

"Time passes"

(IF ONLY!)

If I could only take back

that one word spoken without thought

If I could have summoned all the strength

it would take to make that giant leap to your world

If only I had seen the loneliness ahead

and the sense of regret every night

I lay down in my bed

If only I did not let my foolish pride

get in the way

If I had not allowed time to slip by

and pass away

Would I feel better standing here with you?

Than looking at you through this glass wall

feeling a little blue?

I have come as close as I can

To see the man you have become

And I'm reminded once again

of the sweetest feelings I harbored deep within

And so I struggle to parry

thoughts of what could have been

After what I failed to do - and for the

consequences I have not foreseen

Our stars were simply meant to be

- far from each other

And a part of my heart will carry

this "sadness" forever

2010-09-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

"Fleeting"

WITCHCRAFT

I see you but couldn't even look hard enough

I feel you but could never touch back

I struggle to deal with the fact that between us-

there could never be a "could have been".

Overwhelmed by the onslaught of

unspeakable truths

I struggle with my vulnerabilities

I scream at fate and my destiny

for not bestowing me their sweetest smiles-

and dangling a world of empty dreams and

solitary existence instead.

But life goes on- as it always should.

This mask I wear will remain unraveled

until the facets behind it die with time.

The sting of reality will hurt but not

without glimpses of the bittersweet taste of

the world I wish to be in.

The journey has come to an end-

when I opened my eyes the morning after.

I remain a distant witness with regret and longing-

in this sane world where you happily exist.

On Letting Go…

2010-08-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

"There is a God my friend"

How far would you go to save a life if part of the responsibility was shyly tossed in your shoulder? I know it would be easy to say “everything” most especially if the one you’re saving is a beloved member of your family. However, if your capacity to help is hampered by your own needs- your own instinct to secure your circumstance first, it becomes difficult to decide to make that sacrifice…

This week was all about learning a lesson between valuing life and friendship, and letting go of sentimentalities for a while. I realized that I didn’t have to think twice. What good will my measly savings do if it would not relieve a mother’s anxious heart? What good will those pieces of jewelry be to me when it will be used to simply flaunt a shallow image?

I am not so hypocritical as to imply that money and accessories don’t mean much. I value money in the sense that I work my butt off to earn them and they become answers to making life comfortable for me and my family. While I can do without jewelries, they were given to me by someone important in my life – who also honestly and decently acquired them. They are tokens of love- and for that alone, they are valued beyond the amount of cash they represent.

Yet this week- I have to let “them” go in favor of someone whose loved-one is clinging and fighting against the terror of dengue. I’m definitely not well-off as to simply shrug off what I had shared (even as I know that they will come back ten-fold). But right now, I feel a lot better knowing that I have been given the power to prevent a mother’s heart from grieving. I have been a friend. I have shown God I am worthy of His grace and blessings.

I may not be able to indulge myself in a planned trip this month. I may miss the tangible reminders of someone’s thoughtfulness and affection and may seem like I’ve taken it for granted but the counterpoint to it is – someone out there is sleeping peacefully tonight and will be waking up with hope tomorrow because I was brave enough to let go. I have shown her that there is a God who answers prayers. (I hope she goes back to regularly attending mass after this).

A Rainbow after the Storm

2010-05-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I was happily waiting for my turn to pay off a great buy at a department store when I suddenly felt a sense of panic I have never felt before. I couldn’t find my ATM Card in my bag or in my wallet. Suddenly, a montage of images flashed and with it, the utter realization that earlier, I withdrew half the amount of my salary for the last 15 days of the month – and failed to retrieve my Card from the machine.

My first instinct was to go to where the AT Machine was but common sense prevailed. I had left the area for more than 30 minutes already and considering that there was a guy who was standing in line next to me when I left, I am sure he must have found the card and taken it already. Nevertheless, I went there – merely to confirm the glaring fact that my ATM Card is lost for good.

I felt deflated. I just didn’t know what came over me – why I forgot to retrieve the card. For one, the guy behind me acted restless and so I was probably in a rush to let him take over. After all, I had finished my transaction – and as per the usual procedure with most ATMachines, my card should have been automatically ejected by the machine already – even before I got the cash and receipt out. That was what I was thinking actually: that I already had the card in my possession. Still, it was a lame excuse on my part to blame how the machine works. My negligence was the proximate cause of the whole incident and I must pay for the consequences.

It just got me thinking how I was suddenly thrown out of my comfort zone that I wanted to lash out at someone. In my mind, I asked God why it happened to me. Have I not been appreciative of my blessings? Have I not been generous to my family and friends? I keep reminding myself that at least, I only have to face the possibility of losing a certain amount of money. Not my life – or that of my loved-ones. To aggravate my anxiety, I would have no way of checking out my balance till tomorrow (Monday) as the bank doesn’t have a system for that after office hours and on weekends. Friends tell me that if the guy took my money, then he could have been someone in need - and I was his unfortunate angel at that moment in time…

Last night though, I began treading along a different path. What if the guy was honest enough to remove my card without withdrawing my remaining balance – but was not able to find where I went so that he has no choice at all but to keep it and hope that I’d have the sense to report the loss immediately to protect my account? Why was I so quick to assume that he would choose to do evil than good when I don’t even know who he is? Isn’t it that my faith is strong enough to believe that God can take over any situation, including this incident – and could have subliminally whispered to that person to do away with doing harm to another? All along, I was letting the whole incident paralyze my good faith and taken to accepting the worst that could happen. Where is hope? Where is faith? Don’t I know the goodness and love of God that I would automatically embrace the conviction that He’d let me lose this much hard-earned money? Wasn’t my employment a gift from Him in the first place? Therefore, His love will protect me. His power will wipe away my worst fears.

And so today – I woke up holding on to hope. Hope that tomorrow, everything that I feared all along would not happen. Hope that there are still more people with a kind heart, than those corrupted by love of money. Hope that I’ll be seeing my initial fretfulness to be actually for naught.

If there’s one great lesson I may have to learn from this experience – it’s simply to keep my faith. Negligence can take over us at the most unguarded moments and we just have to face its consequences. On my part – the hassle of applying for a new ATM Card and waiting two weeks before I can use it for my transactions. Holding on to my faith however is another matter. There’s just no excuse for letting it go and commit this spiritual lapse. I am blessed enough to know that no serious harm can befall me no matter what. And so I must believe. Believe in the innate goodness of my fellow beings. Believe in the love of God and His power. I just know the sun will come up tomorrow.

2010-04-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

My Own Little Corner

God has given me this corner

So I can be myself

To pursue my dreams

And should they fail-

Cling to the hope of redemption.

God has given me this corner

To be with those I love -

And who will love me back

Without conditions or other motives-

Except the belief that I am worth it.

God has given me this corner

To eternally focus on,

And see my blessings far beyond

My wild imaginings.

God has given me this corner

So I need not look elsewhere,

And realize that things such as

Envy and indifference exists.

So in this corner I shall stay

Rejoice in whatever comes my way

In this corner lies my heart & soul

In this corner God is always in control.

Welcome Home Potpot

2010-03-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

What do I tell you?

That I miss you so, I am consumed by this obsessive longing - I see snippets of you everywhere I turn?

How do I go about saying hello?

Act cool as if your presence doesn’t bother me as much and hide this wanting to fling myself at you, hold you tight and never let go?

Should I immediately reveal how much power you have over me?

Should I act like a fool and bow to your whims like a slave, honored at the token peonage?

After all, I owe you my happiness, I owe you my day.

Would you even remember my love?

The kind that I have sacredly conveyed through my touch, my voice and my every prayer?

Would you still have the heart to accept the same from me?

Would you still want to go home to where I am- and want me by your side at night, giving what comfort I could provide?

Would I ever have the time I prayed for with you?

Though it hurts to ask and be denied such gift…

Let me say it here for you to know…

You always, always have a piece of my heart with you.

Now that you’re here, I am once again complete.

Before sleep takes over...

2010-03-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

I can remember of only two unanswered prayers my whole life. Perhaps, they have haunted me until this day because seeing them granted could have definitely altered the state of my existence. The world did not end though. Now I realized that there's still a long thread of hope connecting me to the realization of what I have asked for, and so I am still at peace.

Tonight though, I will tell God that I CANNOT afford to see this particular prayer unanswered. After all, where a loved-one is involved, I would gladly offer my soul to see them happy. I suppose she doesn't need me to dramatize this request for a heavenly favor. She is after all, a genius in my eyes even if that distinction is being proudly usurped by someone of a "higher" rank (now I realized I am the one with the adjective "mediocre" attached to my name! Geez!). She will breeze through this exam the way she would read a masterpiece by Stephen King or JK Rowling. Still, it won't hurt if I add a little more of my "influence" to the One up there. He loves me too, you know, and so I must take advantage of the same.

There's really nothing more to say Lord. Our family's hearts are wide open to reveal what we want to say at this very moment: Just be with our baby as she takes her exam tomorrow. And we'll know she will be okay.

On My Bora Trip

2010-03-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Just returned home after spending almost 4 days in Boracay Island. I was honestly excited about seeing the beauty of the sunset there and I wasn’t frustrated. I not only caught a glimpse of it – I was there basking in the glory of the vision set before my eyes until it was magically swallowed by the darkness of the night. Recently I have this thing for sunsets. It just makes me miraculously happy within, and so being in a place dubbed as paradise by some – and being bathed by the beauty of the sun setting minus the obstruction of buildings, trees and passing cars – I realized once again how blessed life is.

Of course, I was there not only to relax and unwind – I was supposed to attend a convention (I’m afraid I cannot state what for with particularity, for reasons which you will figure out as I go on with this blabber). The venue was classy but with more than a thousand participants, it could be dizzying just trying to find a place to sit on and focus on the lectures of the resource persons. Celebrity-politicians were invited to add color to the event but as the usual practice among them – they sent out representatives on their behalf, claiming the old-age excuse of “prior commitments”. Their representatives then went on to morosely read their messages – and by the second sentence, my attention have already strayed somewhere, specifically in finding a younger, better-looking male participant among the older, balding faces in the crowd. Luck wasn’t with me though.

For 3 days, we were under the pretense of trying to make sense out of the program set out for us. The so-called updates we were supposed to learn have been uploaded and yes, implemented by our office a year before and so I got the feeling that the organizers would rather see us roaming the shores of the place than sitting inside the hall simultaneously trying to listen and fighting the urge to sleep in the middle of a lecture. Our meals were horrible. Not the porridge, mud-like crap you expect. There were actually scrambled eggs, corned beef, chicken, watermelon, salad, fish fillets, and veggies – only, they were served repetitiously every day. One participant remarked that with so much chicken in our system, we could fly on our grown chicken wings after the convention.

Since we’ve realized that the organizers would not have set the venue in Boracay if the convention was something serious, we decided to just take advantage of our blessing and enjoyed the sights Bora has to offer. And boy did we have the time of our lives! No drunken sessions. No men hunting. No visits to sleazy places. Just pure, unadulterated fun that would definitely have us a place in heaven if our lives were to be judged on what happened in that span of 4 days alone.

As dream-like as my existence was in there however, I am glad to be home. Back to the comfort of my bed where I enjoy the use of not one, but four pillows. Back to a room where my sleep is hindered only by my roving thoughts and imagination. Back to having cuddly, 4-legged creatures who are unfailingly ecstatic over my every homecoming. Back to spending time with my family who can never be replaced by the company of equally fun-loving people.

I have been to Boracay three times. Each visit brought forth varying degrees of excitement, happiness and realizations. I pray though the next time I go there – it is to hold hands with the man of my dreams. After all, I’ve had enough of the sunsets and the wonderful vistas already. It’s time I discover how romantic the place could be to people in love.

Right now, home’s still the better source of love for me.

MAKING MOMENTS COUNT

2010-02-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago, I had to get up at 2am. Nans was having trouble breathing and so we decided to bring her to the hospital. As diagnosis usually comes after a battery of tests and interviews, it was decided that she has to be admitted for treatment and observation.

As someone whose secret fear (and now it’s finally revealed to the universe) is seeing signs of parental mortality and aging, I am always in a state of denial whenever I begin to entertain thoughts that tats or nans could be suffering serious health problems.

And so on that day, I preferred considering the ordeal as “checking in” on a vacation spot – a very flashy hotel. The amenities you pay for are basically the same anyway: soft bed, comfortable room, a television, a refrigerator, a private toilet and bathroom and ration of meals. Now they even serve snacks in between meals! You also get your patient’s kit consisting of face towels, toothbrush, toothpaste, rubbing alcohol, skin tape, a bar of soap, syringes, specimen cups and a digital thermometer (and, unlike those in hotels, you don’t have to steal them because they’re absolutely yours!). There are staffs coming every day to clean your room and change beddings. All that one has to do is find a way to spend the day without having to die of boredom (if you are not really there because of a terminal disease). In my case and that of nans, we brought a lot of romance novels to keep us occupied. When the printed words are causing us eye strain, we simply drift off to dreamland.

Of course, we can do sightseeing on the side if our butts get too heated up. There are actually plenty of wonderful things to see in a hospital: New-born babies who become testaments to the miracle of life. Family members attending to the needs of their sick relatives – a true manifestation of the capacity of the human heart for deep-abiding love and loyalty. People-duly recovered from diseases – ready to move on and live fulfilling lives. And yes, medical practitioners in action who exercise their God-given skills to defy the pull of death and prevent the loss of a loved-one. There are sights too, that can dampen the spirit but then as I have said, I would rather see the glass half-full than half-empty and so my subconscious has directed my senses to embrace only that which will bring sunbeams to my experience there.

Naturally, I wouldn’t want to be back there in whatever circumstance – ever, but the will to survive will always run through our system, hence, I have a feeling that I will be taking another vacation there in the future although I’m praying that I will be blessed with a longer reprieve.

If there is one lesson though which I’ve learned all over again from this experience, it’s the fact that life is precious. That family relationship are, too. That everything is a fleeting gift that could easily be taken from all of us in the blink of an eye.

That’s why always make every moment count while we still can.

On Happiness

2010-02-15T05:32:00.000-08:00

I was shocked one day when I was asked by a friend if I’m happy. As my friend, she’s supposed to know that already. But as our conversation got going, I realized that I cannot fault her for asking me such a lame question (well- it was perfectly logical from her point of view, and I’ll respect that). It turns out that her concept of happiness is way too different from my own that is why she couldn’t possibly picture me out as being happy in this miserable (again, from her point of view, not mine) existence she believes I am in. I let her ignorance pass however. I consider her my friend after all and so I have to accept that part of her as something I can’t help about.

A few days ago, my feelings of disgust over such a question was revived. Word of the mouth has it that horrible tongues and narrow minds that have nothing better to do, have analyzed in microscopic fashion that the seeming absence of laughter among my inner circle is due to the fact that we are an unhappy bunch. A miserable bunch. A bunch that live and find comfort in a house deemed a mausoleum. Now that’s when I really laughed at such absurdity! But then after the hysterical giggles have ebbed, I realized that once again, I can’t do anything about such misconception. These people don’t know me and those I hold dear.

How they view happiness is not my business anymore. But it got me to think. What is happiness to them anyway? In my humble research I found that these people have some things in common:

1. Ignorance – this is self-explanatory anyway. Whoever believes that one is unhappy just because he/she is not laughing a lot has got to be a d*** a**.

2. Love of Money – these people live and breathe money as if it’s their god. They believe that money is not really the root of all evil but is the answer to everything, including the path to earning respect, love and friendship.

3. The uncanny ability to deceive – they can feign anything. They would even sip puss for you if only to make you believe that they’re on your side. That they’re your greatest sympathizers. They are generous with compliments as well. And yet when you’re not looking, they speak ill about you. Even the fact that you love sleeping a lot! (now if that’s not crap, then I don’t know what is).

4. They’re beautiful people – they are charming. They have the charisma. That’s because they’re experts at role-playing. That’s why if you don’t have what it takes to “befriend” someone within 5 minutes after meeting them, then you’re not just “it”.

5. They have ambition – hence, they are greedy and are not content to simply be grateful with their blessings. They have to put other people down in order to make them even feel better while languishing in their self-professed financial success.

It really makes me sad knowing that there are still misguided souls out there…….

Happiness actually is a constant state of the mind, heart and spirit. Hence, no matter what happens, it will never leave your being. That is the premise by which I base my concept of happiness. So take that and respect it.

I am happy even when I don’t laugh too often. Actually I do laugh when I’m with people I truly love. It comes naturally. I clam up when I’m with strangers and people I don’t really like. That’s no measure of unhappiness though (get that?). Being choosy is, after all, not a crime. Spreading malice around you is. So is lying and stealing anything (money and affection most especially) from the people you claim you value. Why is that so hard to distinguish anyway?

Sadly, I am not as boisterous in my spiritual gratitude that all the blessings I have are simply acknowledged before God not before any mortal – much less those who are willing to jump at the opportunity to stab me and those I love, in the back.

I have everything I need in life and all that I wanted are poured down upon me even before I asked for it. I don’t have money in the bank. I don’t have connections with the rich and famous. I don’t have a perfect father, mother, sister and brother (just a perfect 3-year old niece) but why should I care? They’re the best I can ever have and the best there ever will be, (an inscription from Michael Jordan’s bronze statue which may well apply to them) so why look for something more when I am content? That to me is one good reason why I can say I am happy. I may not have ambition but I have a dream. And long ago, I have realized that I have a purpose in life. And in going after that dream and purpose, I have every reason to wake up in the morning everyday (except Saturdays actually since I get up at noon ☺) with anticipation.

I have millions of disappointments that will beat that of the world’s economic crisis but I have life (physical and spiritual), I have love, and I have inner peace. These should provide the perfect sunshine to cover up the rainy days for me.

I am not perfect. Otherwise, I would not allow people to ruin my day with their malice. But I am content. Ergo, happy. Laughter is actually not the best way to express joy and happiness. If you don’t know what is – then keep closing your heart and your mind – and you will never know.

Inadequate Me

2010-02-14T03:22:00.000-08:00

I just know I could never be that drop-dead gorgeous creature always depicted in magazines and romance novels. Others may attribute it to genetics but I suppose, part of it is also fate. Why would Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for instance end up with each other to produce Suri Cruise? Isn’t sophisticated Nicole supposed to have been the pinnacle of his woman-searching endeavor? And yet, there they are, the way my parents ended up with each other (and not with someone who has a Latin or French descent)……And there I was, kicking and screaming (probably realizing even at birth that I would have wanted to look just a little bit like Angelina Jolie).

I don’t know why I’m even entertaining this line of thought. Perhaps because of what I have seen from the facebook account of one of my favorite persons. Why are men (with great looks and talent) always surrounded by pretty, porcelain-skinned women with an attractive amount of cleavage strategically shown off for added allure? For once I’d really love to see them clinging to someone less acceptable than I am in looks. At least, I’d know there’s justice in this world. And there’s hope.

I suppose there really is no shame in revealing this weak spot within me. One good friend would probably turn over from her self-absorption and gladly point out that I have redeeming traits others can only wish for, in their dreams. I don’t think though it’s a sin to ever put a stoplight to the passing thought that I would have been better off with a lighter complexion, a well-endowed bust line, thinner lips, seductive eyes (or something) and a figure “to die for” and could set tongues wagging.

At this point, I’d probably be bombarded with unsolicited remarks of how I should be thankful for what I am blessed with and shouldn’t be envious of what others have. Believe it or not, I do, most of the time. But for once, I am giving in to the temptation. I am waving that flag of surrender. I am vulnerable.

So what? Tomorrow, I’ll be good as new. Accepting the person that I am. Loving it more than ever. Thanking God for the wisdom to realize that in this part of my universe, I am blessed beyond what I can hope for. That I am beautiful and sexy in the eyes of the dogs I feed every morning.

For now, let me wallow in my self-imposed despondency.

I remember him (of course!)

2010-02-09T05:23:00.000-08:00

He was my object of (positive) obsession in College.

That one guy who could easily cause me to stop breathing with a mere hello. He was my idol. In my world dominated by hunky celebrities excelling in basketball, I rarely have eyes for the “lesser” male mortals in class but He was visible to me. I suppose he’s the only person who can make me feel conscious about my grasp and mastery of the English language. Of course, my life (with him) did not have a fairy tale ending. Simply put: he means the entire world to me then, whereas, I am nothing but the girl in school who can lend him notes in class prior to an exam. I am just the girl who gets a kick out of a Ginebra or Chicago Bulls victory. I know he understands my passion as a fan because he once gave me a Michael Jordan poster and right there and then- I was willing to walk down the aisle and exchange “I dos” with him for his thoughtfulness!

But time has kept us apart even as once in a while, I would find myself crossing paths with memories of him. Always, they were fond thoughts of the ideal person that he was to me then.

Today, I got the unexpected treat of meeting his mom. A fellow worker in the government. That brought back to life the image of him in my heart – one that has become fuzzy with the passing of time. He has a two-year old boy now. And is bound to marry the mother of his child next year, as per his mom’s accounts.

I never doubted he would be successful in his career and personal life. After all, 15 years ago, I already saw the man that he could become. I am now embraced by amusement for the mental picture of how we have been in the past: A girl smitten and a boy, very much clueless as to his effect on her. So smitten was I, that I could consume 1 liter of Coca Cola by myself, so my friends and I would get to hang out and chat with him a little longer.

I couldn’t really imagine what would have happened if he also liked me back then. That possibility just did not exist even for a split of a second and I have never harbored even the most minuscule of delusions that he could even see me as more than just his classmate. I knew he only had eyes for one of my best friends.

I now take solace from the fact that the version of me then is more sensible to create an altar of affection for a boy who also turned out to be a wonderful man. I do wish him well. He has made his mother very proud. What achievement could even top that of making a parent believe that he/she has done a good job of rearing you up?

I take my hat off to him, the boy I once liked. Really, really, really liked.

After The Rain

2010-02-08T04:54:00.000-08:00

A day's labor to fill the empty spaces

A way to ignore footprints,

left in the joyous path once tread upon.

A hardened heart struggling to capture

the joys unseen

To prove there exists a life

beyond the walls of doubt and pain.

A mind that clings to sanity

Despite the rapid questions asked & unanswered:

Why has the world turned gray?

How can someone just vanish and walk away?

A schmaltzy trip to places

of sunset and sunrise

to ward off regret and capture the smiles.

A prayer of thanks for love once felt

for lessons learned

and sweet memories kept.

HOPE FLOATS

2010-02-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

Blank pages scream back at my empty mind,
wanting to be filled with anguish gnawing.
Herein lies the shredded pieces of me,
laying witness to foolishness past.
In this manifest weakness,
I only have myself to berate.
In magic I have surrendered
my ineluctable destiny.
Yet illusions end,
once the smoke clears.
And tricks lose their novelty.
My sense of self-worth
now plummets like a speck of dirt
in a gushing water going down the drain.
Still life is all about trying -
and failing,
until I succeed.
Time has bestowed upon me
the gift of freedom – and of hope.
Time will help me say goodbye.
Time will help me look forward to hello.

01022010