In Your silence

I often wonder,

Why can't the rest be like you?

Unassuming,

Loving unconditionally.

Silent,

And yet alert.

Despite all the chaos

Your affection’s unbent.

Making me your sunshine

Even in this quiet darkness.

But utterly clueless-

That in your presence,

And in your precious silence

You have spoken a thousand words.

And provided comfort,

And joy as well,

For who and what I am

 INTENSITY 6.8

I never thought that today would be different from the previous days of 2012.

"Precaution No. 1"

I was getting ready for lunch at the office (and eventually, my cherished noontime nap) when I heard one of our officemates screaming “earthquake”. The warning was punctuated by darkness (power lines were immediately shut down) that I instinctively groped for my bag and my cellphone, held hands with an officemate closest to me, and went out of the office. My dilemma was to either wait for the tremors to abate or to seek the nearest exit and stay in an open space in case the quake’s intensity increases enough to collapse the whole building. I can hear a rumbling sound and literally see parts of the building move, including the stairs that we need to pass through.

"Precaution No. 2"

I realized right there and then that when the possibility of death and serious injury is but a few seconds away, one achieves a calmness of spirit and a sense of acceptance of what could happen next. We bravely took the 4 flights of stairs that appears to be swaying to the earth’s beat, unmindful of the fact that it might collapse any minute. It was by far the longest 20 seconds of my life. Fortunately, there were no pushing and shoving because those who were there with us were focused on only one thing:  praying. I have made it a point to memorize Psalm 23 and I found that the phrase “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me. Your staff and your rod, they comfort me” couldn’t be more meaningful than when I intoned it today. God became the center of our minds and hearts that it was no wonder we all came out of the building unharmed.

I immediately texted tats that I was okay but felt my knees wobble a bit. I also received a call from a high school friend (who is more like a sister the past 20 years) but I was too choked up to talk to her except to assure her that everything’s fine. God, in his loving way, heard what our hearts were hoping so that we all walked away from our harrowing experience badly-shaken, but grateful nevertheless that our worst fears did not happen.

Thirty minutes after the earthquake ceased-while I was on my way home, secure in the knowledge that today at least, won’t be my last day of existence- I simply took off my armor of facile strength and cried. I cried for the gift of insight to remain as calm as possible. I cried for the existence of friends who truly care. I cried for the realization that all the material things we possess mean nothing compared to the gift of life, and most of all I cried for yet, another validation that God loves us so much that he spared everyone from harm. I was shedding tears for the joy I felt within.

The quake’s intensity was recorded at 6.8, with forty two (42) aftershocks according to Phivolcs. This may not mean so much to some but to be in the middle of it without knowing when it’ll ever stop- or if there is a possibility that it will still get stronger- one becomes engulfed by a numbing fear that you can think of only two powerful allies: your instincts and most importantly, your faith in God.

"Precaution No. 3"

Traces of today’s trauma will surely haunt all of us who were there in the so-called “line of disaster”. I keep telling myself there is a perfect reward for all of us who plodded through this ordeal- and that is the thought that we are all very blessed to have come out of it unscathed. Filipinos that we are, we’ll definitely focus on the funny side of what we did like how one of us clung helplessly to our door post (and should our building collapse, just go down embracing a piece of wood). Or how one ignored possible aftershocks and risked life and limb to go back for her can of Coke. I too, could probably bring the office laptop with me or my textbooks and “save” them but all I picked were a plastic of rice and chicken liver. I was told a friend (in another office) jumped through several steps of stairs in her haste (probably in her high-heeled shoes and executive suit).

I’m just thankful that I could still write about this. That tomorrow, this will be nothing but a part of our history. Most of all, I’m thankful that God is so good.

Alone

Vagrant whiplash of pain

Curse through my veins

As I soak in this frivolous pursuit of hoping

Slowly I walk through this

Chasm of expectations

Bleeding and broken

Beneath the myriad of questions

Lies the white flag

Raised gradually

With every infinitesimal

Sign of promises crushed

And sweet words turning sour

I am now intoxicated and drowned

In the onslaught of sorrow

No one cares enough to listen

To my heart speak…

 3/15/2007

TORN

I am one, split in two.

The other half lives,

while the other is dying for you.

The saint who will leave you be,

the sinner who can’t set free.

The lover of every day spent in your midst,

the enemy of lonely nights, all alone in the darkened mist.

The sunshine to a weary soul

But rains down to soak the path tread upon by these bare soles.

With a smile for all the world to see,

And desperate tears for a longing that should never be.

A heart that cries for just a chance,

but a mind that screams to walk away w/o a backward glance.

Yes, that is who I have become to you:

A woman torn because I simply adore you.

HAVEN

As the evening steals the light of day,

And the moon’s silver streaks light the way

I shiver in eerie anticipation

For I feel it coming- this sense of desolation.

Then the wind whispers its magic spell,

Its kiss as cold as a church’s bell

Outside the stretch of darkness becomes blinding

Like the turmoil in my heart that’s unending.

And I cry out silently-

Is there no end to this melancholy?

As warm tears dance its slow descent

I’ve no choice but live through the moment.

I see your pain and I feel your need

That’s why within, also lies this lonely seed:

Of helplessness and true lament

And a lasting love that is unbent.

Am I the haven you’re looking for?

Or will I be hurting you some more?

In the state that you are in-

Believe that I just want to embrace all your pain.

Like what you did for me…

***unearthed***