DUET

(a repost of favorite poems)

ME:  (MY SOLE TREK)

Gradually falling into a precipice
Emptiness surrounds me in this deep abyss
Engulfed by rejection and hopelessness
But I’ll embrace this, till it’s reduced to nothingness

Sometimes I ask how, sometimes I ask why
What moves me to even give it a try
My wings are clipped, why would I want to fly?
When I would only end up seeing myself cry

And as I am drenched by loneliness in the midst of the rain
Realizing I have no choice but to absorb the pain
A solitary figure huddled in a bus stop waiting for a train
The only answer I find is that waiting would only be in vain

HIM: (INHALE MS. SOLE TREKKER)

Sometimes we are pierced with self-savagery
We let the pain sink in
We love to cry…

But have you counted on a wildride…
On those times you’ve tried?
It seems you wanted to believe…
On King James’ lies
Inhale…Miss Sole Trekker
There must be a mazel tov scent
In this wide abundance
In this world you have reached assent
The air to cherish…soon to be breathe in
An usher for the brighter days to come
As you walk grazingly with the warm breeze
With a flying feeling…under the grin of the Sun
Wipe your tears out…completely
For there will be more to flow…
This time…in grace
In love…in bliss (by: STL)

 ME: (I WILL)

We all live through life’s “moments”
Every fleeting minute, no matter how evanescent
We need to embrace it, welcome it
Until a new dawn awakens our lonely spirit
But if we cry, that doesn’t mean we’ll never laugh
If we become vulnerable, can we not be tough?
If we fall, that doesn’t prove we can’t stand up
If we despair, does that follow we lose our will to be back on top?
After all, despite going through the savagery of pain
There is someone who reminds me of the beauty of the rain
One who thinks me a gem notwithstanding my being just “me”
And whose offer of friendship brings me joy and serenity
Yes, tears will keep flowing as you’ve said
Not only for hopes shattered and love unrequited
But that never giving up is what really matters
Because of what you inspire in me- something as meaningful and deep as a still water.
So don’t you worry cause I will eventually “inhale”
To savor the joy of life- to feel
The Love, the Bliss, the Grace
And emancipate myself from the sorrow I now face

THANK YOU

"Endings are very much the beginnings"

I’ve been waiting in line, for the magic to come.

To find someone whom I could call mine.

I have been led astray

Once or twice by those who came along my way

I’ve taken the wrong directions,

And at the end of the day-desolation filled my reflections-

No, it must not be for me

True love the way I prayed it should be:

“Sweet lollipops & eternal sunshine

Music that should always rhyme

Endless grins & warm fuzzy feelings

A happy constitution with no room for grieving”

While hope clings assiduously like a vine

Reality sweetly intrudes just in time

Thumping to the beat of truth so sublime

It’s just not for me – “it” could never be mine

But there was such a time some years ago

When the magic could have been caused by you

Though you just didn’t know

And that was so real I could almost feel

When love was sincere and I wished then time would stand still

And now that you know

I would like to thank you

For accepting the girl I once was…

There couldn’t be a better ending

To what we have then-

Than where we are now:

Exchanging that special & unbreakable vow

Of taking good care of this friendship

To make up for what we have lost –

after the lapse of more than a decade.

If Only

"Time passes"

If I could only take back

that one word spoken without thought

If I could have summoned all the strength

it would take to make that giant leap to your world

If only I had seen the loneliness ahead

and the sense of regret every night

I lay down in my bed

If only I did not let my foolish pride

get in the way

If I had not allowed time to slip by

and pass away

Would I feel better standing here with you?

Than looking at you through this glass wall

feeling a little blue?

I have come as close as I can

To see the man you have become

And I'm reminded once again

of the sweetest feelings I harbored deep within

And so I struggle to parry

thoughts of what could have been

After what I failed to do - and for the

consequences I have not foreseen

Our stars were simply meant to be

- far from each other

And a part of my heart will carry

this "sadness" forever

witchcraft

"

"Fleeting"

I see you but couldn't even look hard enough  

I feel you but could never touch back

I struggle to deal with the fact that between us-

there could never be a "could have been".

Overwhelmed by the onslaught of

unspeakable truths

I struggle with my vulnerabilities

I scream at fate and my destiny

for not bestowing me their sweetest smiles-

and dangling a world of empty dreams and

solitary existence instead.

But life goes on- as it always should.

This mask I wear will remain unraveled

until the facets behind it die with time.

The sting of reality will hurt but not

without glimpses of the bittersweet taste of

the world I wish to be in.

The journey has come to an end-

when I opened my eyes the morning after.

I remain a distant witness with regret and longing-

in this sane world where you happily exist.

On Letting Go…

"There is a God my friend"

How far would you go to save a life if part of the responsibility was shyly tossed in your shoulder? I know it would be easy to say “everything” most especially if the one you’re saving is a beloved member of your family. However, if your capacity to help is hampered by your own needs- your own instinct to secure your circumstance first, it becomes difficult to decide to make that sacrifice…

This week was all about learning a lesson between valuing life and friendship, and letting go of sentimentalities for a while. I realized that I didn’t have to think twice. What good will my measly savings do if it would not relieve a mother’s anxious heart? What good will those pieces of jewelry be to me when it will be used to simply flaunt a shallow image?

A Rainbow after the Storm

Two days ago, I was happily waiting for my turn to pay off a great buy at a department store when I suddenly felt a sense of panic I have never felt before. I couldn’t find my ATM Card in my bag or in my wallet. Suddenly, a montage of images flashed and with it, the utter realization that earlier, I withdrew half the amount of my salary for the last 15 days of the month – and failed to retrieve my Card from the machine.

My first instinct was to go to where the AT Machine was but common sense prevailed. I had left the area for more than 30 minutes already and considering that there was a guy who was standing in line next to me when I left, I am sure he must have found the card and taken it already. Nevertheless, I went there – merely to confirm the glaring fact that my ATM Card is lost for good.

I felt deflated. I just didn’t know what came over me – why I forgot to retrieve the card. For one, the guy behind me acted restless and so I was probably in a rush to let him take over. After all, I had finished my transaction – and as per the usual procedure with most ATMachines, my card should have been automatically ejected by the machine already – even before I got the cash and receipt out. That was what I was thinking actually: that I already had the card in my possession. Still, it was a lame excuse on my part to blame how the machine works. My negligence was the proximate cause of the whole incident and I must pay for the consequences.

My Own Little Corner

God has given me this corner

So I can be myself

To pursue my dreams

And should they fail-

Cling to the hope of redemption.

God has given me this corner

To be with those I love -

And who will love me back

Without conditions or other motives-

Except the belief that I am worth it.

God has given me this corner

To eternally focus on,

And see my blessings far beyond

My wild imaginings.

God has given me this corner

So I need not look elsewhere,

And realize that things such as

Envy and indifference exists.

So in this corner I shall stay

Rejoice in whatever comes my way

In this corner lies my heart & soul

In this corner God is always in control.

Welcome Home Potpot

What do I tell you?

That I miss you so, I am consumed by this obsessive longing -  I see snippets of you everywhere I turn?

How do I go about saying hello?

Act cool as if your presence doesn’t bother me as much and hide this wanting to fling myself at you, hold you tight and never let go?

Should I immediately reveal how much power you have over me?

Should I act like a fool and bow to your whims like a slave, honored at the token peonage?

After all, I owe you my happiness, I owe you my day.

Would you even remember my love?

The kind that I have sacredly conveyed through my touch, my voice and my every prayer?

Would you still have the heart to accept the same from me?

Would you still want to go home to where I am- and want me by your side at night, giving what comfort I could provide?

Would I ever have the time I prayed for with you?

Though it hurts to ask and be denied such gift…

Let me say it here for you to know…

You always, always have a piece of my heart with you.

Now that you’re here, I am once again complete.

Before sleep takes over...

I can remember of only two unanswered prayers my whole life. Perhaps, they have haunted me until this day because seeing them granted could have definitely altered the state of my existence. The world did not end though. Now I realized that there's still a long thread of hope connecting me to the realization of what I have asked for, and so I am still at peace.

On My Bora Trip

 Just returned home after spending almost 4 days in Boracay Island. I was honestly excited about seeing the beauty of the sunset there and I wasn’t frustrated. I not only caught a glimpse of it – I was there basking in the glory of the vision set before my eyes until it was magically swallowed by the darkness of the night. Recently I have this thing for sunsets. It just makes me miraculously happy within, and so being in a place dubbed as paradise by some – and being bathed by the beauty of the sun setting minus the obstruction of buildings, trees and passing cars – I realized once again how blessed life is.

MAKING MOMENTS COUNT

 

A couple of days ago, I had to get up at 2am. Nans was having trouble breathing and so we decided to bring her to the hospital. As diagnosis usually comes after a battery of tests and interviews, it was decided that she has to be admitted for treatment and observation.

As someone whose secret fear (and now it’s finally revealed to the universe) is seeing signs of parental mortality and aging, I am always in a state of denial whenever I begin to entertain thoughts that tats or nans could be suffering serious health problems. 

On Happiness

I was shocked one day when I was asked by a friend if I’m happy. As my friend, she’s supposed to know that already. But as our conversation got going, I realized that I cannot fault her for asking me such a lame question (well- it was perfectly logical from her point of view, and I’ll respect that). It turns out that her concept of happiness is way too different from my own that is why she couldn’t possibly picture me out as being happy in this miserable (again, from her point of view, not mine) existence she believes I am in. I let her ignorance pass however. I consider her my friend after all and so I have to accept that part of her as something I can’t help about.

Inadequate Me

I just know I could never be that drop-dead gorgeous creature always depicted in magazines and romance novels. Others may attribute it to genetics but I suppose, part of it is also fate. Why would Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for instance end up with each other to produce Suri Cruise? Isn’t sophisticated Nicole supposed to have been the pinnacle of his woman-searching endeavor? And yet, there they are, the way my parents ended up with each other (and not with someone who has a Latin or French descent)……And there I was, kicking and screaming (probably realizing even at birth that I would have wanted to look just a little bit like Angelina Jolie).

 

I remember him (of course!)

He was my object of (positive) obsession in College.

That one guy who could easily cause me to stop breathing with a mere hello. He was my idol. In my world dominated by hunky celebrities excelling in basketball, I rarely have eyes for the “lesser” male mortals in class but He was visible to me. I suppose he’s the only person who can make me feel conscious about my grasp and mastery of the English language. Of course, my life (with him) did not have a fairy tale ending. Simply put: he means the entire world to me then, whereas, I am nothing but the girl in school who can lend him notes in class prior to an exam. I am just the girl who gets a kick out of a Ginebra or Chicago Bulls victory. I know he understands my passion as a fan because he once gave me a Michael Jordan poster and right there and then- I was willing to walk down the aisle and exchange “I dos” with him for his thoughtfulness!

After The Rain

A day's labor to fill the empty spaces

A way to ignore footprints,

left in the joyous path once tread upon.

A hardened heart struggling to capture

the joys unseen

To prove there exists a life

beyond the walls of doubt and pain.

A mind that clings to sanity

Despite the rapid questions asked & unanswered:

Why has the world turned gray?

How can someone just vanish and walk away?

A schmaltzy trip to places

of sunset and sunrise

to ward off regret and capture the smiles.

A prayer of thanks for love once felt

for lessons learned

and sweet memories kept.

HOPE FLOATS

Blank pages scream back at my empty mind,
wanting to be filled with anguish gnawing.
Herein lies the shredded pieces of me,
laying witness to foolishness past.
In this manifest weakness,
I only have myself to berate.
In magic I have surrendered
my ineluctable destiny.
Yet illusions end,
once the smoke clears.
And tricks lose their novelty.
My sense of self-worth
now plummets like a speck of dirt
in a gushing water going down the drain.
Still life is all about trying -
and failing,
until I succeed.
Time has bestowed upon me
the gift of freedom – and of hope.
Time will help me say goodbye.
Time will help me look forward to hello.

01022010