MAKING MOMENTS COUNT

 

A couple of days ago, I had to get up at 2am. Nans was having trouble breathing and so we decided to bring her to the hospital. As diagnosis usually comes after a battery of tests and interviews, it was decided that she has to be admitted for treatment and observation.

As someone whose secret fear (and now it’s finally revealed to the universe) is seeing signs of parental mortality and aging, I am always in a state of denial whenever I begin to entertain thoughts that tats or nans could be suffering serious health problems. 

On Happiness

I was shocked one day when I was asked by a friend if I’m happy. As my friend, she’s supposed to know that already. But as our conversation got going, I realized that I cannot fault her for asking me such a lame question (well- it was perfectly logical from her point of view, and I’ll respect that). It turns out that her concept of happiness is way too different from my own that is why she couldn’t possibly picture me out as being happy in this miserable (again, from her point of view, not mine) existence she believes I am in. I let her ignorance pass however. I consider her my friend after all and so I have to accept that part of her as something I can’t help about.

Inadequate Me

I just know I could never be that drop-dead gorgeous creature always depicted in magazines and romance novels. Others may attribute it to genetics but I suppose, part of it is also fate. Why would Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for instance end up with each other to produce Suri Cruise? Isn’t sophisticated Nicole supposed to have been the pinnacle of his woman-searching endeavor? And yet, there they are, the way my parents ended up with each other (and not with someone who has a Latin or French descent)……And there I was, kicking and screaming (probably realizing even at birth that I would have wanted to look just a little bit like Angelina Jolie).

 

I remember him (of course!)

He was my object of (positive) obsession in College.

That one guy who could easily cause me to stop breathing with a mere hello. He was my idol. In my world dominated by hunky celebrities excelling in basketball, I rarely have eyes for the “lesser” male mortals in class but He was visible to me. I suppose he’s the only person who can make me feel conscious about my grasp and mastery of the English language. Of course, my life (with him) did not have a fairy tale ending. Simply put: he means the entire world to me then, whereas, I am nothing but the girl in school who can lend him notes in class prior to an exam. I am just the girl who gets a kick out of a Ginebra or Chicago Bulls victory. I know he understands my passion as a fan because he once gave me a Michael Jordan poster and right there and then- I was willing to walk down the aisle and exchange “I dos” with him for his thoughtfulness!

After The Rain

A day's labor to fill the empty spaces

A way to ignore footprints,

left in the joyous path once tread upon.

A hardened heart struggling to capture

the joys unseen

To prove there exists a life

beyond the walls of doubt and pain.

A mind that clings to sanity

Despite the rapid questions asked & unanswered:

Why has the world turned gray?

How can someone just vanish and walk away?

A schmaltzy trip to places

of sunset and sunrise

to ward off regret and capture the smiles.

A prayer of thanks for love once felt

for lessons learned

and sweet memories kept.

HOPE FLOATS

Blank pages scream back at my empty mind,
wanting to be filled with anguish gnawing.
Herein lies the shredded pieces of me,
laying witness to foolishness past.
In this manifest weakness,
I only have myself to berate.
In magic I have surrendered
my ineluctable destiny.
Yet illusions end,
once the smoke clears.
And tricks lose their novelty.
My sense of self-worth
now plummets like a speck of dirt
in a gushing water going down the drain.
Still life is all about trying -
and failing,
until I succeed.
Time has bestowed upon me
the gift of freedom – and of hope.
Time will help me say goodbye.
Time will help me look forward to hello.

01022010