HAVEN

As the evening steals the light of day,

And the moon’s silver streaks light the way

I shiver in eerie anticipation

For I feel it coming- this sense of desolation.

Then the wind whispers its magic spell,

Its kiss as cold as a church’s bell

Outside the stretch of darkness becomes blinding

Like the turmoil in my heart that’s unending.

And I cry out silently-

Is there no end to this melancholy?

As warm tears dance its slow descent

I’ve no choice but live through the moment.

I see your pain and I feel your need

That’s why within, also lies this lonely seed:

Of helplessness and true lament

And a lasting love that is unbent.

Am I the haven you’re looking for?

Or will I be hurting you some more?

In the state that you are in-

Believe that I just want to embrace all your pain.

Like what you did for me…

***unearthed***

Celebrating Mortality

We view death as an unwelcome eventuality in our lives. Coming to terms with the loss can generally be a slow, painful process but we all get there. We heal and then we move on. I see this annual celebration of "honoring" our loved ones who have passed away as a means of accepting reality but at the same time- a ceaseless manifestation of hope that somehow, they are just around the corner- in another dimension.

I lost my paternal grandparents to illness but my time with them was spent evocatively that at a very young age- I understood and felt grief at losing them. I never really knew my maternal grandmother because she passed away even before nanay got married. My maternal grandfather on the other hand had his hands full with grandchildren and his favorite pastime (mahjong) that we never get to bond well together. Fortunately for me- the rest of my loved-ones are still with me- to love me, make me happy and yes- even annoy me and stress me out. (But I won’t change this circumstance – ever- if I had my way).

It just got me thinking - had we all manifested this devotion (to our dead loved-ones) at a time when they are still around to see and feel and express their appreciation for what we're doing, our life with them then would have been a little bit more meaningful. Can our acts today be our way of atoning for our unconscious neglect of the value and existence of these family members and friends when they were alive?  

 

Today just made me realize that mortality is something we have to deal with. For once it strikes to take away a loved-one, it too, will take away a little bit of sunshine off your life, a little bit of a shoulder to lean on as a source of strength, a little piece of what makes you complete.

So as I celebrate the day for the departed souls, I also exalt with joy within, for the presence of those who are still with me at this very moment and fulfill the needs of my senses. There couldn’t be a better way of embracing mortality than resolving to live fully, love those around me and express that love for them to savor. After all, to conquer one's grief is to think that those whom we have lost have at least lived life to the fullest, have lived it well- and that you were a part of all that.

"One of the Boys"

  

When I was young, I would recoil at the thought of hanging out with boys. My ignorance, you see, led me to believe that boys (somehow, the term’s more endearing than when I use “men”) and girls, can’t be together for purely platonic reasons. Thankfully though, my mind’s no longer chained to that belief that I can be totally myself around them now. As a matter of fact I realized that it’s such a blessing to have at least a couple of male BFsF  (Boy-friends Forever) in my life. Here are some of the reasons why:

1. Boys do not “bitch” about their fellow boys.

Is it because they’re consumed by topics about women, right? Wrong! Open the conversation with last night’s basketball game and they’ll never notice that you (a girl) have shut your mouth up to listen to their endless drone of play-by-play accounts, coaching strategies, statistics and the tiniest detail about the aspects of the game. Why is this endearing to me? I do not only love the sport but I am amazed at the concept that we can go about a normal conversation without putting another person down.

2. They make my fantasy come true.

It’s not what you’d initially think of course. (This is, after all a relationship based on pure friendship alone). Don’t we girls love being treated like royalty? I love it when they hold doors and chairs for me. They carry my stuffs automatically, hold an umbrella for me and make sure I am comfortable and always smiling with their corny jokes (sometimes, the fact that it is corny can be amusing actually). Girls simply just want to be treated right. And for a guy to do that for me without feeling the need to prove something or to impress me - really makes me feel like a princess.

3. They are not consciously vain

 Boys don’t constantly ask if they’ve got bits of food between their teeth or if their hair’s still okay. They don’t need face powders, blush on, lip gloss and an endless array of cosmetics to look good. Hence, no “retouches” are necessary. That makes me a little less self-conscious too about how I look at the end of the day because I am among friends who do not really care that my lips are pale and my hair is in disarray.

4. They are not insecure

 Boys have this seeming subliminal projection that they are better than the person next to them. The concept “humility is a virtue” is temporarily converted into a fallacy but such repertoire of high praises about themselves are of course delivered with levity that you would not have the heart to take a crack at their inflated sense of self-worth. It just got me to thinking – if I love and appreciate myself and adopt the same innate attitude as theirs, I’d probably be saying hello to feelings of inadequacy less often.

5. They exhibit an unexpected sense of loyalty

Yep. These boys are 100% male. They have an instinctive appreciation of the heavenly creatures that are simply known as “girls”. But I realized it’s all part of their make up as boys. At the end of the day- they still wanted to end up with just one ultimate girl. They seem to have compartments within themselves that provides a distinction between “girls they can hang around and be friends with”, “girls who fulfill the qualities of their adolescent fantasies” and “girls they have decided to spend the rest of their lives with”. And their brains have identified the   specific peculiarity in each of these categories. (of course there are exceptions to this observation but I am after all talking about my experience with my own B-FsF).

6. Being around boys give me a sense of security

 You become off-limits to the nefarious conduct of others. After all, you do have an instant set of bodyguards around you. The only setback I guess is when you appear to be equally off-limits to potential “princes-in-waiting”.

7. They are not afraid to talk about topics deemed as unmentionables

Sometimes you’d go all red just by listening to them extol the pleasures derived from a passionate encounter with a loved-one. And yet you learn. You learn about what matters to them. You learn that it is not something to be grossed out about because it is part of the intricacies of being in a relationship with the opposite sex. I get answers to questions I was then ashamed to ask. Talking about it with boys seems like talking about a basketball game anyway.

8. Boys love to see you happy

Their optimism is contagious. Boys make things happen. They do not just wish you well. They think of ways to make you feel well and act on it. For instance, they don’t ask me “when are you going to find the man of your dreams?” They give me prospects. From the unsuspecting guy who simply comes to the office to submit a document (“he could be the one for you”)– to a teammate in their basketball team. They’d always remark that had they been friends with me when I was sixteen years old, I’d probably have 3 kids by now because they will coerce every crush I have to go out with me.

9. They are more open about their feelings

 When boys look at you as a friend, you don’t need to pry open their storybooks. They will tell their tale without holding anything back. They will not even bother to paint a pretty picture because they tell things as they are. I suppose being “one of the boys” will give you that privilege.

10. You experience a satisfying intellectual intercourse with them

Try doing it with girls and you probably end up not talking to each other. But arguing with boys stimulates your reasoning. It’s actually a great mental exercise with all the good-natured ribbing about the differences between boys and girls. They will not concede a point  but they have this way that makes you feel like you’ve won the debate. To them it’s not about competing as to who is smarter but it’s simply to bond with you and get to know your thoughts some more.

         I think I am done holding on to my misconception about boys. They’re far from having halos in my estimate but they will do. It is in their imperfection that I think they were created to perfectly co-exist with girls.

One and Only

You wake me up with the sun’s filtered rays,

for me to bask in the depths of your warm embrace.

You paint my sky blue-

and splash my world with colors in various hues.

With each step I take,

and every path I tread-

the wind blows your kisses

to wrap me with this all-consuming bliss!

When my heart whispers your name,

You are there-

reading my mind

filling my soul,

simply loving me.

And I wonder:

Who could ask for more?

When I have Someone who waits at heaven’s door?

Yes, no one else will ever do

You’re my one and only –

No one, but You.

“Inspired by the miracle of being unconditionally loved”

Me, Tatay and I

I usually hate waking up early in the morning especially during Saturdays. My friends know that. I have this tendency to cling to the opportunity to daydream as if it’s the be-all and end-all of my Saturday existence. Today’s different though.  I wanted Tats to work off those kinks in his body and the only way to get him to do it, is for me to wake up with him at 5 in the morning and drive him to boardwalk. Actually last week, I was driving him to the hospital due to constrictions in his chest and I hated the experience so much that I would rather take him someplace now, even if I’d get to do the honor at a time most inconvenient to me.

So after a week of being cooped up at home, doing nothing but ingesting 7 different pills every day (as per his cardiologist’s stern instructions), he was finally up and about.

One foot at a time

Funny but I was like a mother watching her kid take those tentative first steps. I was staying behind him actually because of my trepidation that his knees would buckle and that he would stumble. Three decades ago, he was doing the same thing for me while I was learning to walk. Our roles are now reversed. I even had my camera in hand to capture every nuance of his so-called “workout”.

"Dual Citizens" as he would call them: Filipino Citizens who are Senior Citizens

He did give me the consolation I needed. He walked the entire length of the boulevard (which according to him, is about 1.5 kilometers) – and back.  And his heart was only “mildly” constricted. He even attempted a run, but only for about 3 seconds. He got the scolding he deserved of course… but I know the sacrifice of waking up even before the sun has risen has been worth it.

Taking a breather halfway

Tomorrow, the world would be celebrating father’s day. I am just thankful to God that I still have a father to celebrate the day with. The past couple of weeks have not been good for both us actually with him, living in constant discomfort and me living in constant fear and worry. But as the greatest father that He is – God has made me see the counterpoint to this scary experience.

Simply enjoying the view

It’s not about repaying all the things that my father did for me my whole life – he is not expecting any form of payment for them. It’s not about me, being just a daughter performing an obligation. It’s simply all about the value of unconditional love. And if God will give me a LONGER opportunity to be a daughter my father could rely on – I would gladly take on the role. 

To health and wellness

After all, more than our blood relationship, we share one special trait: we never say die. 

Happy 37th Father's Day Tatay!

Greatest Fear Revealed

"Permanence"

 I was told last Saturday that one of my cousins died. He was only about 30 years old. Honestly, I saw no shadow of grief pass by when news of his death reached me. Two decades ago, we lived together in our grandfather’s house but we were kids then so that when I left to be reunited with my family, I felt I have already “lost” him. I have not heard from him since. With the unfortunate lack of communication and shared family milestones, I have been spared from the desolation of this loss. Or maybe not.

Suddenly I was ruminating on the concept of death in the family and losing a loved-one, and now am going through a private session with grief at what could happen in the future. Having braved through a series of personal disappointments, and believe me- they can quite break the spirit - I am certain that what I cannot take in is dealing with the pain brought about by death. The death of someone who is such a part of my existence as the air I breathe.

                                                    

I know it is inevitable –but I can’t help but rebel against the concept of facing its agonizing consequences: the permanence of not being able to hear, see and touch the person for the rest of my own short life. Yes, I would probably miss even the annoying stuffs.

The Worm

A month ago, we discovered that the leaves of our Rosas de Baybayon were almost gone. We found the culprits soon enough. Two healthy, lovable worms.

 

 They actually remind me of the stuffed toy given by one of my closest friends, Lyross and so I did not have the heart to get rid of them immediately - even if I knew that they can have the "power" to consume our plants in a week if we let them, the little monsters that they really are.

 I took pictures of them hoping to produce a dramatic image for upload in my so-called "perfect timing" collection- but soon forgot about it until today.

Maybe it’s because of the emotional state I have been in the past months or so. It’s something that I wanted to ignore and take in stride- but it slithers itself into my thoughts these days that I feel I ought to write something about it.

These worms have probably gravitated towards the plants because of their beauty, sweetness and gentle existence. Their object is merely to feed on all that the plants represent. However, the latter have a role to play in the bigger picture of life that these worms need to be taken off them otherwise they will be ruined- for good.

I really don’t have to specify which of the two I can strongly relate to. All I know is that in my vulnerable and lonesome state right now- I find that the only way I can distract myself against utter desolation is by telling a bit of the story of these worms and our plants.

See how one of them clings to the plant as if it was its last chance at redemption (and happiness)?

Perhaps, all it’s gonna take is some divine intervention to make it see that the realities of life is totally different from a sense of the ideal. That in this world, there are those that are not meant to be together but are merely designated to be at the same place at one time to share that communion of basic interests. At the end of every day- they must drift apart to where they really should be.

I feel so sorry for the worm but that’s the way life goes...

CHAPTER 1

This story will begin with a resolution: to give romance a chance!

It’s not as if I haven’t really paid attention to it. As a matter of fact, the canvass of who I am is painted with the concept of romance and wishful thinking of a happily-ever-after existence.

Everyone would probably say I have a very high standard in choosing a mate. In fact, one close friend has declared not to play cupid. Ever. For she is certain that I will turn my   back on the prospective “applicant” she might send my way. If by having a “high standard” would imply that nobody seemed to be good enough for me- then it’s no surprise that even the so-called cupids are hesitant to volunteer their services. I still can’t quite fathom though how people can come up with such a conclusion when I consider myself a very shallow person- ergo- I am very easy to please.

Love, actually!

simple pleasures

The morning's breezy spell

Has bid the warmth of summer farewell

The magical steps of a happy season has faded

The dream-like sensation of days past has ended

The singing of hearts afloat

Now leaves traces of melodies subdued

Hesitant footsteps now echo in reality's hall

Not wanting to be trapped in this masquerade ball

But there you were- in your purposeful stride

And there I was- with heart beating fast and arms open wide

With a prayer for joy and sanity's eclipse 

To happily welcome your sweetest of kiss!

Go 2011!